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Department of Bad Slash

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The Department of Bad Slash deals with badfic that involves poorly written slash. It is headed by the Queen Anne's Lace, and its flash patch is a three-eyed rubber duck.

Agents of the Department of Bad Slash are usually called Bad Slashers, which occasionally causes confusion because the authors of the bad slash they combat are known as badslashers. To avoid confusion, members of the DBS may also be called exorcists.

Description Edit

The DBS is one of the oldest departments in the PPC, as well as one of the three largest Action Departments. Agents employed by the DBS are exposed to mind-numbingly bad romance, erotica, and biological aberrations on a daily basis, and consume vast amounts of mind-altering chemicals (see Bleeprin) in order to deal with it. Add to this the fact that, as slash fiction more often than not does not involve original characters, there is precious little soothing homicide to be had, and it is understandable that Bad Slash is not the most popular beat amongst those drawn to the Canon Protection Initiative.

Methods Edit

In the Department of Bad Slash, slash spirits or Sue-wraiths are assumed to have possessed canon characters acting oddly. Thus, the common method for correcting the work is to exorcise the spirit. To this end, all DBS agents are equipped with whatever might be the appropriate interpretation of "bell, book and candle" for their chosen universe.[1] In Arda, for instance, a standard bell and candle are teamed with various volumes of the works of Tolkien. In Harry Potter, the book will be the most apt book of the series. In the event of exorcising the spirit from a non-fictional person, the book will be whatever works they are known for; for actors it will be recordings of their films; for musicians, copies of their albums.

Exorcisms are usually carried out with the standard "Avaunt, all ye elementals!" and "Get thee behind me!" vocabulary,[2][3][1] and the phrase "the power of TOLKIEN (or ROWLING, or PIERCE, or SPIELBERG, insert-author-here) compels you!" is generally used as the coup de grace. Slash spirits may be captured in jars,[4][5] but usually they will dissipate and take any geographical aberrations with them. Spirits have been known to communicate with agents, and occasionally assault or try to possess them.

Charge lists are tailored to individual pairs of agents and to each continuum. Bad Slash agents don't get to read out a grand list of charges before killing things; instead, a charge list is filed at the end of each mission simply for the sake of keeping things in order. Thus, the charge list doesn't always feature too heavily in the narratives of the DBS, though some agents like to work the charges into the exorcism.

Special Equipment Edit

Aside from the standard remote activator and CADs, Bad Slashers tend to carry the following:

  • An exorcism kit, typically some variation on a bell, book, and candle.
    • The bell may be any implement used to disperse an exorcised wraith.
    • The book should be whatever canon material is appropriate to the situation and need not be an actual book if the continuum is based on a film, video game, play, etc.
    • The candle or candles may be any source of canonically appropriate light, though you can't really go wrong with plain old candles in most 'verses.
    • A protective chalk circle may also be used.[6]
  • A neuralyzer, to erase non-canonical sexytimes from the memories of canon characters.
  • Duct tape, rope, or other restraints, to prevent the characters from escaping during the exorcism and neuralyzation.
  • An Embryo Extraction Kit or "debugger" is standard equipment in the Division of Mpreg.[7][8]
  • Rubber gloves and a blanket are standard in the Division of Bad Het.[9]

History Edit

The Department of Bad Slash was the second extant Action Department formed from the Department of Action, being officially dated just after the creation of the Department of Mary Sues.[10] The Department of Improbable Crossovers preceded both, existing concurrently with the Department of Action, but later split into the Department of Implausible Crossovers and Despatch.[10]

Initially, the DBS was run by the Gladiolus, and it was the first of the Action Departments to recruit non-Flowers; the original trio of human agents, Elisabeth, Anya and Osbert, worked together in Bad Slash until enough agents had been recruited for the team to be broken up. While Elisabeth left the team immediately, Osbert continued to work with Anya until some time in 1992, when the Poppy convinced him to join the Department of Mary Sues.[11] During the Reorganisation, the Gladiolus departed with the Mysterious Somebody,[12] and her place was taken by the Queen Anne's Lace (formerly of the Postal Department).[13]

The Gladiolus returned to the PPC during the failed invasions in 2006. When the Division of Bad Het was formed, she was given a position as its head.[9]

Divisions Edit

The DBS has a Freelance Division, at least two fandom-based divisions, and two fairly specialized ones. The largest DBS division is the Freelance Division. The only known fandom-based ones are the Lord of the Rings/Tolkien Division and the Harry Potter Division.

Division of Bad Het Edit

Main article: Division of Bad Het

This division was formed to deal with all fics in which the overriding offenses stem from poorly written heterosexual relationships. While bad het stories involving a Mary Sue are covered by the DMS, the DBS oversees this division because they're already equipped to handle the kind of charges that routinely come up, such as bad biology, squick, and badly written rape situations. The flash patch of this division is an upside-down three-eyed rubber duck. Its head is the Gladiolus.

Division of Mpreg Edit

Main article: Division of Mpreg

This division handles fics involving male pregnancy. Mpreg is so implausible in most continua that it is very difficult to do well, and undoing it requires some special equipment and a strong stomach. It is one of the DBS's older divisions, though it may not have been consistently operational. Its flash patch is a mandrake root, and its head is the Male Ginkgo.

Known Bad Slashers Edit

Main article: Bad Slasher

Like all departments in the PPC, the DBS has a high turnover rate, but these Bad Slashers have either stuck it out longer than most or done something else to stand out among their peers.

  • Agent Luxury of the LotR/Tolkien Division has been around since Jay and Acacia's time. She is well known for her... er... enthusiasm toward other people. She was originally partnered with Agent Sean, who is MIA, and has since been temporarily paired with many other agents for training or just to help out. In the latter capacity, she worked with Nin Brandt to help spork That Series.
  • Agents Dee and Milask of the Harry Potter Division were the first in the DBS to publish their mission reports.
  • Agents Xericka and Gremlin (RC #555) have the second-highest published mission count in the department.
  • Agents Katie Cray and Gypsy Roberts (RC #86) were the first team to be assigned to the Division of Bad Het in 2008.
  • Agents Oscar Henson and Iza (RC #794) are the best-known members of the Division of Mpreg, though they were preceded by Agent Taboo.

Department Records Edit

References Edit

  1. 1.0 1.1 "Amin Ai Olin" by Trojanhorse, Dec 16, 2005
  2. "To Know Where You Are Going" by Jay and Acacia, c. 2003
  3. "Apologies and Past Mistakes" by Deepy and Leto Haven, c. 2003
  4. "Forbidden Love" by Trojanhorse and Soulshadow, Dec 16, 2005
  5. "Hotel Nights" by Trojanhorse and Soulshadow, Dec 16, 2005
  6. "The Misadventures of Phobos, Part 1 - Bad Slash" by Phobos, Mar 28, 2011
  7. "Ethuil'waew" by Trojanhorse and Paddlebrains, Nov 25, 2008
  8. "Dreams" by Trojanhorse and Paddlebrains, Aug 22, 2009
  9. 9.0 9.1 "Violation of the Evenstar" by Trojanhorse, Jun 24, 2008
  10. 10.0 10.1 "More PPC Archival Stuff," rehosted on the PPC LiveJournal by Araeph, Sep 10, 2005
  11. Lofty Skies, Chapter 1 by Huinesoron, Jul 21, 2011
  12. The Reorganisation, Chapter 12 by Huinesoron
  13. The Reorganisation, Chapter 13 by Huinesoron

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