Part III of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at the PPC List, comprising entries 262-290.
Originally posted to the PPC LJ Community, here, February 25, 2007.
262. I will not let Onaya at Imp y Celyn.
263. I will not send Lt. M'Ress to the Jellicle Ball.
264. I will not take Cosette to Spire.
- Or to Cloud City.
265. I will not play Kraftwerk's "Numbers" in the temple of Bel-Shamharoth.
- Nor will I take Sesame Street's Count there.
266. I will not disassemble a Borg agent's regeneration alcove.
267. I will not attempt to mysteronise myself.
- If it doesn't work I will end up either looking very dead, or very silly.
- Or both.
268. I will NOT start any shipping war of any kind.
- Not even a teeny tiny, itty bitty one.
269. I will not sell Moist von Lipwig's tell-all autobiography The Leopard Changed His Shorts 60 years before the fact, when Moist is an 86-year-old widower (and oldest serving Postmaster) whose son is Patrician (after Vetinari and Ironfoundersson). (Yes, I am shilling in advance.)
270. I will not tell newbies that the Cafeteria meatloaf is made of ground-up Sue and confiscated tech.
- Except when the Swedish Chef is on KP, when it is.
271. I will not introduce Cpn. Jack Sparrow and Zaphod Beeblebrox. The combined egos would doubtless explode, and with all the alcohol those two accumulate, this would be a Very Bad Thing.
272. I will not perform exorcisms on fellow agents, even if they claim to have Sues in their heads. That is a job for Medical.
273. I will not charge and summarily execute a fellow agent who has been Sue'd.
274. I will not attempt to sell my soul to any devil.
- Not even if he/she/it promises me eternal life.
- Or amazing Sue-killing powers.
- Or the ability to instantly vaporize all Sues that have ever and will ever exist(ed).
- Because we all know how that would turn out.
275. I will not try to put every angel and demon in one room in an attempt to start a second Heavenly war.
- Because that would be plain stupid.
- In fact I will not mess around with any angels/demons/deities whatsoever.
276. No version of Hell is a smart place for a vacation.
- Or an OFU field trip.
- Nor is any version of Heaven.
277. If for any reason I am in any Hell for a mission, I will not look to see if anyone has caused my workload as an agent, or if any Suethors are there so I can torment them.
278. If I happen to find myself in the Halls of Mandos, I will not attempt to dance before Lord Námo in order to free a dead loved one.
- Or a dead canon.
- Especially not Féanor.
279. If, for some reason, I find myself in the Halls of Mandos, I will not start talking loudly about how kind it was of Lady Galadriel to give Gimli three strands of her hair.
- I will also not mention how pretty the Silmaril looks in the sky.
- Or how shiny the One Ring is.
280. I will never, ever, ever mention the following within earshot of Féanor:
- How many shiny objects Agent Dafydd "Maglor" Illian has accumulated.
- How many shiny objects (including extra Silmarils) there are in HQ in general.
- The fact that the portal I am about to open leads to HQ.
- Seriously. The PPC does not need a Kinslaying in its halls.
281. I will not attempt to link up several sentient computers from different fandoms.
- Especially if one is Durandal from Marathon.
- Or HAL 9000.
- Or Athena from The Cat Who Walks Through Walls.
- If I do, I am responsible for cleaning up the mess.
282. If I am in the throes of pon farr, I will not attempt to mind-meld with a H'nemthe.
283. I will not arrange a fight between Reavers and Discworld elves.
284. Speaking of Reavers, I will never again use them to execute a Sue.
285. I will not unleash Mrs. Cake on any Holy Holly.
286 I will never take a Baronet of Ruddigore to Serenia.
- Or John Wellington Wells.
287. I will not give Grover from Sesame Street tribbles.
- Not even for a Spaceship Surprise sketch.
- Giving him kuribohs is right out.
288. I will not act flame-thrower crazy if I'm not.
289. I will not test Rikki-Tikki-Tavi against an amphistaff.
290. I will not fly a Sun Crusher without a license from DOGA.
- Nor will I use it on a non-Suvian system.