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Part VI of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at the PPC List, comprising entries 365-430.

Originally posted to the PPC LJ Community, here, November 30, 2007.


365. I will not take Edith Keeler to Deep Space Nine during the Dominion War.

- Nor to the New Republic during New Jedi Order.

- Nor Arda during Lord of the Rings.

- Nor anywhere where or when war is the answer.

366. I will not Imperius Makes-Things into making Battle Droids.

- Or Totenkopf's bots.

- Or any other nasty robot.

- Come to think of it, the Imperius Curse is to be used only to induce a Mary Sue to destroy herself.

367. I will not try to pick any of the Flowers.

368. I will not hand Feathers McGraw over to sealers.

369. I will not harass Sir Robin on his cowardice.

- If I do, I understand that I fully deserve what happens to me when the food runs out.

370. I will not spam Redwall characters with fics from That Series.

- Nor will I spam the Enterprise-D with Marrissa Picard.

- In fact, spamming canons with Legendary Evils from their fandom is forbidden altogether.

371. I will not deliberately induce badfic flashbacks in canon characters.

- Or agents.

372. I am not to hand Saavedro a yaoi manga and tell him its a Linking Book to Releeshahn.

373. I may not give Cthulhu any more PotC Sues to snack on.

- Or Hogwarts!Mermaid!Sues.

374. I may not attack Turnsemstraight!Sues with a rolled-up copy of the Washington Blade.

- Nor may I attack Turnsemgay!Sues with a rolled-up copy of Citizen magazine.

375. I may not put Drizzt and Legolas in the same room while playing "Ebony and Ivory" in the hopes that I will get slashy-emo goodness.

376. My cell phone number is not the "Thesaurus Abuse Hotline."

377. I may never again refer to myself as the High Priestess of Oopsiel, Archangel of Murphy and Watchtower of the Downward Spiral.

378. I may not stick Goth!Sues in the World of Darkness with a sign reading "Diablerist (dust me!)" taped to their butt.

- Nor may I tell any incarnation of the Tremere that Sues have special vampy-magic-goodness and taste like candy. A vampire high on Sue-blood is a scary thing.

- Nor may I just hand them a bucket of pink glitter and say "we found that Selene tart prancing about the rack, who wants souvenirs?" We'll never have enough for everybody.

379. I may never again hand a new agent copies of the PPC Manual with badfic pasted on every page. It's really only funny once.

380. I may not tell new agents that the Zombie Survival Handbook is required reading.

- Ditto "The Eye of Argon."

- Ditto "C*l*br**n" and "My Imm*t*l."

381. I may not feed the minis after midnight "just to see what would happen."

382. If an agent cannot survive in an Earth-like environment, I will not tamper with their environmental controls.

383. I will not usurp the rôles of canon characters.

- Especially if they're my Lust Object's significant other.

384. My name is not Ínigo Montoya.

- Even if a canon character did kill my father, I will not take vengeance.

385. I will not try to break through any wall.

386. The Glooper is not a toy.

387. Rivendell is not Riven.

- Nor is Riven Rivendell.

388. I will not call Shadowfax/Asfaloth the "pretty white donkey!"

- Even if I haven't read The Lord of the Rings, it Just Isn't Done.

389. I will not try to send any form of Death into death with necromancer's bells.

390. I will not complain when fellow agents beat me to near death for saying "PLZ R&R!!one!1eleven!!"

- I will, however, admit that I had it coming.

391. Rigging the console in the RC next to mine to play "My Ding-a-Ling" is NOT FUNNY.

392. I will not count to any number greater than three when preparing to throw the Holy Hand Grenade.

393. I will not substitute Celebrian with Paris Hilton in "C*l*br**n."

- On that note, I will not bring Paris Hilton anywhere NEAR HQ.

394. My partner is not to be left alone with confiscated weapons from ANY fandom.

- This goes double for Star Wars.

395. Redecorating my RC with a thermal detonator in a bucket of paint is a bad idea.

- Ditto a paintball gun.

396. I may not drop Saavedro into Morrowind.

- Ditto Mr. Spock into Rivendell.

397. I must never again ask Elrond what happened to the suit and sunglasses.

- Nor the minidress made of flipflops and the eyeshadow.

398. Mary Sues DO NOT make tasty Soylent Green, unless you liked the Peep-flavored Vodka.

399. Running through the halls, screaming in Japanese about Godzilla Sues is only funny once.

400. Must not mock the Flowers' command decisions in front of the press.

401. I will not tell "Yo Momma" jokes to Sha Gojyo.

- Or Sha Jien (otherwise known as Dokugakuji).

- In fact, no "Yo Momma" jokes in the presence of any of the Sha family.

- No, not even if I've got a really good one. The brothers usually have an excellent sense of humour, but not on this issue.

402. I will not ask Yohji "Whatever happened to that lovely girl Asuka?".

- I will not ask any member of Weiss what happened to any person they were emotionally attached to at any point in their lives. The angst just isn't worth it.

403. There are female canon characters that are romantically involved with main male canon characters. They include, but are not limited to, Ouka, Relena, Minerva and Sakura. Just because they are romantically linked to my lust object does not make them a Mary Sue. I may not proceed as if they were.

- Aya was quite upset the last time.

404. Minis, Cute Animal Friends, and small children are not to be used to recreate the "Spider-Pig" routine.

405. Molly Rath is a ferret kit, therefore she is difficult enough to control without being dosed up on caffeine. If she is given caffeine, she may be able to recreate "Spider-Pig" without being held on the ceiling.

406. While the Official Fanfiction University of Redwall are pleased that I am familiar with Mr. Jacques' other work, I will not ask if the Ribbajack is related to the Mary Sue.

407. Likewise, I will not push people towards the Grimblett's pond while screaming "TENTACOO WAPE!" It's very hard to explain to Bridgey what you're saying.

- And apart from anything else, those are fronds, not tentacles.

408. Nor will I ask Ben and Neb why their Flying Dutchman's captain doesn't have tentacles.

409. I will not introduce Discworld's Death to Sandman's Death.

- Nor will I introduce either of the above to the eponymous lagomorph of the webcomic Jack.

410. I will not watch the Battle of the Ridge of a Thousand in order to yell "THIS IS SPARTAAAA!"

411. While everyone is thoroughly sick of the infinite number of resurrected Laterose fics, grabbing her in front of the OFUR students and performing a variation of the Dead Parrot Sketch is never appropriate.

412. I will not force Horace Worblehat to sit through No-Drool videos.

- Or Katisha.

413. I will not attempt to reenact the warp plasma leak scene from "Fair Trade."

414. I will not beam Yuuzhan Vong aboard the Enterprise unless they've been recruited and Deprogrammed.

415. I will not play "S/He loves me, S/He loves me not" with the Flowers.

416. I will not serenade the Cafeteria with the "Carrot Juice Is Murder" song.

- Should I chose to do so, I will not accuse anyone eating a salad of being a heartless mass-murderer.

- Especially if they are an assassin.

- I will also not try to have the song declared the PPC Anthem.

417. Duct tape is NOT the Force. I will not claim it is.

- Nor will I try to use it to hold HQ together.

- Especially not the parts that belong separate.

418. I will not write bad Flower slash. Exorcising the Sunflower Official and the Marquis de Sod is not on anyone's to-do list.

419. I will not try to play "Carol of the Bells" using the bells of a necromancer.

- Not even if it would be really, really cool.

- Nor will I trick another agent into doing so.

420. Not all agents share my personal music taste. I will therefore refrain from connecting my musical library to the HQ PA system.

421. A flamethrower is not an acceptable substitute for a barber.

- The same goes for mini-Balrogs.

422. I will not give Agent Dragon kerosene and tell her it is Bleepka. Exploding dragons are not funny.

- Especially when they can be resurrected.

- And especially if they are reformed Sues with very good fighting skills.

423. I will not steal Death's scythe.

- Or sword.

- Or Death of Rats' scythe.

- Or any instrument wielded by a Reaper, for that matter. Reattaching limbs is not fun.

424. I will not introduce the SO to the Redneck Trees.

- And I will not even mention them within earshot of Agents Stormsong and Skyfire.

- And definitely not the Hippie Sequoia.

- Or any Flower or department head at all.

- Ever.

425. I will not sing the "Hedgehog Song" in front of the new Redwall agents.

- Or in front of any newbie whose mind is still clean.

- Or in front of a certain creepy green rabbit reaper.

- And certainly not in front of a REAL hedgehog.

426. The world does not need to see the results of Cluny the Scourge and Drip Rat being pitted against each other in a death match.

- Or Drip and a Redneck Tree.

- Or Drip and Zig Zag.

- Or Drip and a Mary Sue.

- Or a Redneck Tree and the Grimblett.

- In fact, death matches in general are a bad idea.

- Particularly indoors.

427. I will stop describing what I did to my latest Sue in front of the Bleeding Hearts Nursery children.

- Just because Molly Rath and Moses Taggson are not currently residing in the Nursery does not mean I *can* describe it in front of them.

428. Gorath the Flame's scar is not a Starfleet Combadge.

- I will not treat it as one.

429. I will not enchant anything or anyone in a 'verse without magic.

430. I will not call Visser 3 "Locutus."

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