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TIANATDATPPC Part X

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Part X of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at the PPC List, comprising entries 794-863.

Originally posted to the PPC LJ Community, here, November 28, 2008.


794. I will not pit blimmets and Taxxons against each other to "see what happens."

795. Doctor Who DVDs may only be sold in the continua they were purchased in or in PPC HQ.

796. Adipose. Jabba the Hutt. Just no.

797. I will not challenge Lu-Tze to a duel to the death.

- Nor will I EVER goad, Imperius, blackmail, or otherwise induce anyone else to do so.

- Except maybe a Mary Sue.

- If déjà fu is not her specialty.

798. I will not tamper with the Bashir Hologram's programming.

799. I will never recruit any version of the Joker.

800. Daleks are not toys.

- Nor are Cybermen.

- Nor are Quarks.

- Nor any other nasty cyborg, killer robot, or other mechanical menace in Doctor Who.

- Except the Peking Homunculus.

- Which should not be played with anyway.

801. I will not allow Vajra larvae inside PPC HQ

- Not even if I intend to sing to it every day to try and tame it.

- We don't need killer alien insects with a hive mind and teleportational capabilities trying to rescue one of their own.

802. My singing can be considered a form of torture that I should not inflict upon any other agents unless they are fully protected with industrial strength earplugs. Therefore I should not sing around HQ.

- Singing around a Sue is still fine, as long as my partner and any canons cannot hear me.

- This does not apply to Agent Stormsong, or any other agents who were professional bards before joining. I will not be counted among that number without written proof, so I should stop trying.

803. I am not a Gundam.

- Nor am I a Valkyrie.

- I am not a mecha of any description. Unless I am, in which case I will disregard this.

804. Just because a canon character uses a tackle-glomp as a battle tactic, it doesn't mean that I am allowed to do the same.

- Especially not when my target is my Lust Object.

805. Likewise, if I am in a canon where squeeing, stampeding, barely controlled drooling, confessions of undying love and frequent attempts at glomping Lust Objects is normal, I will not engage in such activities "to blend in."

- No, not even if my Lust Object attempts to flirt with me.

806. You will not take mini-Sandworms to the Amazon.

- Or the Nile.

- Or the Elemental Plane of Water.

- Or any place with even a pond of water.

807. Lelouch Lamperouge, Kitty Jones, and Yomiko Readman have nothing in common except that they fight an AU version of the British Empire. So don't try putting them together.

808. You will not put Luxury and Maeluwien together in a room to see what happens.

809. If you come from the Warhammer 40k universe and are a Space Marine, you will not go "Die Xenos!" and kill anyone who looks vaguely like an Eldar.

- Or anything else that isn't a Sue.

810. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Professors Oak, Elm, Birch or Rowan about their Poké Balls.

- Likewise, I will not ask Ash Ketchum or Gary Oak.

- In fact, no Poké Ball jokes are to be made in front of any character from the Pokémon continua.

811. I will not mention the fact that all Pokémon come from eggs in front of Trojie.

- If I do, I get to reason just how a sheep can hatch from an egg fully grown.

812. High School Musical is about just that, a high school musical. I am not to attempt to turn it into the PPC Musical.

- Nor will spontaneous fits of song and dance be accepted.

813. Just because male Sims can get impregnated by aliens isn't reason enough to encourage male agents to use a telescope at every chance.

- And if they DO get kidnapped and impregnated, I will be held liable for mental trauma for both father and child.

814. The Keyblade is NOT one of the Keys to the Kingdom.

- And if I do have a Keyblade, I will not insist on being named after a day of the week.

815. Using the fact that the timestream of HQ is quirky isn't reason to hand in reports late.

- In fact, using that reasoning, the reports were actually due in two days before the mission started.

816. Even if a Sue claims to be able to restore it, I will not break Son Goku's diadem and release his full powers.

- The Seiten Taisei was sealed by Heaven for a reason, do not test that reason.

817. I will not permit Sha Gojyo and Kyouraku Shunsui to ever meet.

- Or any other pair of womanizing perverts who haven't already met in canon.

819. Likewise, Cho Hakkai and Unohana Retsu are forbidden from becoming acquainted. Separately they're scary, together they could take over the multiverse.

820. I will not introduce Hanabusa Aidou to Edward Cullen.

- Not even if I think Idol-sama Aidou is the only vampire allowed to sparkle in the daylight.

- In fact, mixing Vampire Knight and Twilight vampires is forbidden, period.

- We don't want to know which side would be offended and start fighting first.

- Nor do we want to know who would win said fight.

821. I will not keep any pets capable of consuming me in one bite.

- Two bites is also not acceptable.

- Not even if they are herbivorous.

822. I will not bring Solid Snake into HQ.

- Not even to win a bet that the Security Dandelions are smarter than Genome Soldiers.

- In fact, under no circumstances should any MGS canon be informed about the PPC or allowed into HQ, especially Solid Snake or Ocelot. They're too dangerous and it'd ... up the canon anyway.

823. Hiding grasshoppers in the Marquis de Sod's desk to ambush him when he sits down was only funny the first time. The DIA will arrest me if I repeat the stunt on him or any other Flower.

824. I will refrain from rigging a new recruit's console to play No-Drool Videos when they try to see their mission.

825. Likewise, I won't rig a new recruit's disguise generator to only disguise them from the waist down. Pranks like that can get people killed.

826. I will not steal Jabba the Hutt's Rancor for the purpose of feeding Sues to it.

- Or, for that matter, any other crime lord's pet monster.

- Not even if I give it back.

827. I will not try to trick agents into destroying their own TARDIS by rigging it's chameleonic circuit to always make said TARDIS look like the fic's Sue.

828. Switching the Australian Indoor-Rules Quiddich League's bats with swords just as the lights go out is never allowed.

829. I understand that stealing Agent Murtagh's fedora and hiding it under Luxury's bed will get me shot.

830. I am not to spike Bruce Wayne's coffee with antidepressants and/or LSD to see if that makes him stop dressing like a bat and beating up criminals.

831. I will not go to the Calvin and Hobbes continuum to bring back boxes of Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs.

- Even if I do, I will not sell it to my fellow agents.

- Even if I could get an awful lot of cash.

- The last thing we need are a bunch of homicidal maniacs hyped up on sugar bouncing about HQ.

832. If any of my assorted technological gadgets are not working properly, I will refrain from portalling to the Happy Days continuum to ask Fonzie to hit it and make it work again.

- That's what DoSAT is for.

833. If my universal translator has gone on the fritz, I will not "borrow" C-3PO from Star Wars.

834. I will not replace any of the characters from The Tale of Peter Rabbit with those from Watership Down.

- Nor will I do the same using any other Beatrix Potter characters and those from Redwall and/or Narnia.

835. I will not ask the new recruits to check outside and tell me what the weather's like.

836. I will not make a wish using any of Captain Dandy's Weeds.

837. If my remote activator is broken, I will not attempt to get out of a fic by clicking my heels together three times and saying, "There’s no place like home."

- My parents would not be amused if my partner and I suddenly appeared in the living room covered in glitter, carrying weapons, and dragging a Sue corpse.

838. I will not discuss Féanor's "family jewels."

839. I will refrain from decorating my RC with vases filled with flowers.

- Particularly freshly-cut ones.

- It doesn’t matter if they weren’'t sentient to begin with.

840. Despite the similarities in appearance, voice, speech patterns, fabulousness (yes, that is a word now) and slashability, Ayasegawa Yumichika is not the reborn-in-Soul-Society version of Lelouch vi Britannia/Lamperouge/Zero/99th Emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire (or whatever other alias/title he may assume) and I should refrain from telling him that he is.

- Seriously, we don't need Yumichika trying to gain the Power of Kings.

- Likewise, I shouldn't insinuate to Lelouch that he is in any way related to Yumichika.

- Dumping them in the same room is definitely out of the question.

841. Do not let Ayasegawa Yumichika and Suoh Tamaki meet, lest the multiverse implode from their combined vanity.

842. My partner and I are not allowed to spontaneously launch into "Confrontation" from Les Misérables over the Sue's corpse.

- No, not even if we're both good singers.

- And especially not if the Sue actually has a child we intend to bring to the Nursery.

843. I am not allowed to adopt canon characters who have died in the canon (like Boromir, Halbarad, etc.).

- Even if I promise to feed them and water them and generally love them.

844. I shall not write PPC badfic involving Lori Starrett from DMSE&R making out with anyone other than her husband Bill Fallis.

- Especially not Legolas.

845. I shall not comment on certain people's (lack of) drawing skills.

- Or singing abilities.

- Or dancing talents.

846. I am not allowed to attempt murder in HQ with a scalpel.

- Or a pair of scissors.

- Or a stapler.

- And the victim must not be my partner.

- Or any of the Flowers.

- Or the Uncommon Comma.

847. I am not allowed to run around throwing Sue guts in the air and singing loud, obnoxious songs.

848. I am not allowed to leave aphrodisiacs lying around.

849. I shall not attempt to scientifically classify everything in HQ, nor shall I call everything by their scientific names.

850. I am not allowed to use PPC technology in order to win bets on horse races in the Real World.

851. I am not allowed to swap Rose from Doctor Who for Belle de Jour from Secret Diary of a Call Girl. It would leave both of them VERY confused.

- Incidentally, even if I am a French-speaking agent, I am not allowed to kidnap Belle and bitch at her about the fact that she spells her assumed last name "de Jour" rather than "du Jour."

852. I am not allowed to send the misprinted Kama Sutra edition from the XKCD comic "Mistranslations" to the Department of Bad Slash.

- They've already seen it.

- They'd rather badficcers didn't get hold of it.

- And it would probably be best to keep it away from Agent Luxury, too.

853. Putting Faithful from the Song of the Lioness Quartet and Gaspode the Wonder Dog from the Discworld in the same room is a bad idea. Either they'll try and kill each other or they'll end up plotting.

854. No matter what he says, Mr. Wednesday of American Gods is NOT an ally of the PPC, or an old friend of the Great Goddess Bast.

- It would be well to remember that Bast of American Gods is not the same person as the PPC's Bast, either.

855. I am not allowed to use PPC technology in order to go back in time and insert "write canon slash!" subliminal messages into J.K. Rowling's mind.

- Or Tolkien's mind.

- Or... in fact, no slashy subliminal messages for ANY authors.

- Or non-slashy ones. No subliminal messages at all.

856. I will not recruit Wile E. Coyote.

- His methods of Sue-killing would surely backfire.

857. I will not take Spock to the Whoverse planet Vulcan.

858. Importing Daleks to another continuum is a Very Bad Idea.

859. I will not recruit anyone who can buy or sell under any version of the Beast. They will betray us.

860. I will not dare anyone to push an agent's berserk buttion.

- Especially if said agent has built-in weapons.

861. I will not move Gilgamesh and Enkidu's battle with the Bull of Heaven to a china shop.

862. If I am meta, I will not attempt to use my lack of a fourth wall to cause harm to others. If I accidentally break my fourth wall, I will live with it or neuralyze myself, without attempting to use this to break other people's brains.

863. All gods from American Gods are to be kept from all other incarnations of them.

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