Part XXIII of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at the PPC List, comprising entries 1547-1620.
Cross-posted from the Board on September 2, 2012.
1547. Under no circumstances are Sweeney Todd and Blunt the butcher to meet.
1548. I will not arrange a meeting between Voldemort and Darth Sidious to "see what happens."
1549. Those veiled threats I leave for Sues and Stus? They are NOT to be used on Bella Swan.
- Or Eragon Shadeslayer.
- Or any other urple canon.
1550. Cronal and the Joker must never be allowed to meet.
1551. Robespierre and Bane must never be allowed to meet.
1552. I will not address any Redwallverse squirrel as "birdseed bandit."
1553. Under no circumstances is Tom Kitten to be harassed with holograms of rats.
1554. If I knowingly send a telepathic agent across the Galactic Barrier, I will be charged with murder.
1555. I will not let Fooby the Kamikaze Watermelon run loose in the corridors of HQ.
- Or the town.
1556. I may not use Ents for wand wood.
1557. I am not allowed to arrange an "arm wrestling" match between Treebeard and the Whomping Willow.
1558. I am not allowed to start a flame war between Karkat Vantas and Dogbert from Dilbert.
- This also goes for Catbert.
- And Eric Cartman.
- And pretty much any tool with access to the Internet.
1559. I'm NOT ALLOWED to put butterfly wings on the Cullens so that I can "prove" they're fairies.
1560. I am not allowed to give Hammy (Over the Hedge) caffeinated ANYTHING. This includes marshmallows, bacon, and lollipops.
1561. If Optimus Prime dies during a mission, I am not allowed to say "He always gets better" and ignore the matter.
- Yes, he canonically died and came back to life more than fifteen times already, but he would still need Medical for a check-up. And an oil change, maybe.
1562. No matter how much I think Optimus Prime and Madoka Kaname would be good friends and how much it is true, they are from different canons and so I will not arrange a meeting.
- No, the fact that they both sacrificed their lives several times already doesn't necessarily make them good drinking pals. And Madoka's still underaged, too.
- Besides, Madoka's currently a goddess present everywhere and everywhen in the multiverse, and Optimus spends a sizeable part of his existence in the afterlife. They probably already met.
1563. It doesn't matter how disturbing it is, Tranformers: Kiss Players is canon. I am not allowed to spork it.
- It would be a painful job, too.
- For the same reason, I am not allowed to force anyone to see it.
1564. Fifty Shades of Gray, despite being born as a Twilight fanfic, is currently a canon. I am not allowed to spork it.
- If I go rogue only to kill it, I will surrender to any PPC agent sent to retrieve me. I will not try to make them join my cause.
1565. I will not give a Glodstopper to Timeline 6 Homura Akemi in order to make her be able to see Madoka again, no matter how much they miss each other.
- The fact that a Puella Magi body is probably capable of handling such a substance isn't a valid justification.
- Besides, Homura would probably get addicted to the stuff, and Medical would be Not Happy.
1566. I will not introduce Gamzee to Real World mind-altering substances.
- Zydrate is right out.
1567. I will not strand Sam and Dean Winchester in Gravity Falls.
- Nor will I strand Dipper and Mabel in the Supernaturalverse.
1568. I will not whistle the tune to "Rainbow Factory" in the presence of any native of the MLP G4 continuum.
- Even if it is pretty catchy.
1569. I am not a chemist. Mixing Bleeproducts with Purple Stuff to make fireworks is strictly prohibited.
1570. I will not administer Eragon Shadeslayer Logicillin.
1571. I will not introduce Dr. Evil to the Evil Overlord list.
- Then again, he might not even understand it.
1572. I will not put Captain Beatty in a library "just to see what happens."
- I will be charged with arson.
- And billed for damages.
1573. No matter how good I am with animals, the Mechanical Hound is not to be approached.
- Beware its sting.
1574. I will not introduce Han Solo to Indiana Jones.
- In fact, if two characters are played by the same actor, introducing them would cause quite a bit of confusion.
- Neither will I introduce Jabba the Hutt to Indiana Jones. Indy has enough people after him as it is, no need to bring mistaken identities into it.
- For that matter, I will not introduce any character to the enemy of another character played by the same actor.
1575. I will not introduce Candace Flynn and Stacy Hirano to Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.
1576. I will not put Sherlock Holmes and Inspector Javert into an interrogation room to "see what happens."
1577. I am not allowed to dress as Mary Poppins while working in the Potterverse.
- Especially if I'm dealing with Voldemort.
1578. I am not allowed to kidnap Arthur Kirkland, strip and bind him, and leave him as a present to BBC Irene Adler.
- When Mycroft said she was the dominatrix who brought a nation to its knees, he didn't mean it literally.
1579. In that same vein, introducing BBC Irene to Agent Lux is a Very Bad Idea.
1580. I will not drop BBC Sherlock Holmes into the Labyrinth.
- He's only going to solve it, meet Jareth, and cause Something Very Bad.
1581. Singing the Hedgehog Song around anyone from the BBC Sherlock fandom is a terrible, terrible idea.
- Especially if it's John Watson.
1582. I am not allowed to try and create Sonichu.
1583. Greebo from Discworld is not allowed anywhere near Barn Owl!Jareth, Pikachu, or Scabbers.
- And certainly nowhere near Ro-Hans.
- Or the ROUSes.
1584. Edward Scissorhands meeting Sweeney Todd is a terrible idea.
- The sheer amount of angst and sharp things resulting from that meeting might rend a hole in the fabric of space and time.
1585. No more "not my division" jokes around agents working in the BBC Sherlock fandom.
- Especially since the official Doctor Who Tumblr says that Lestrade found his division in the Whoniverse.
1586. I will not introduce the Cylons to the Cybermen.
- Or Daleks.
1587. The RDJ version of Sherlock Holmes is barred from meeting Tony Stark. Ever.
- Ditto goes for BBC Mycroft Holmes and Agent Coulson.
1588. I will not provoke Bruce Banner.
- Nor will I dare newbie agents to.
1589. Captain America's shield is not for sliding down stairs like Legolas did in the LotR films.
1590. I will not introduce BBC Holmes and Watson to Smaug and Bilbo Baggins.
- Nor will I show any of these four bad slash featuring them.
- Yes, there is bad slash where BBC Holmes and Watson essentially possess Bilbo and Smaug and force them to have biologically improbable sexytiems.
- I will be responsible for their therapy afterwards.
1591. I am not allowed to distribute copies of Hunk Rump.
- Especially not to Bad Slashers.
- Especially not to Agent Lux.
- And most definitely not to Elf agents.
1592. In fact I am not allowed to show copies of Hunk Rump to anyone.
- Especially not Elves from various continua.
- Even if it's mostly MSPA Elves that cry at pornography, we're also pretty sure that Legolas will not appreciate such raunchy rags.
1593. I am henceforth banned from owning copies of Hunk Rump.
1594. I must not replace LotR Elves with MSPA Elves.
1595. Nor will I ~accidentally~ drop MSPA Elves into Fairyland.
1596. I will conceal all cleaning implements near Homestuck agents.
1597. Not allowed to sub-contract assassination missions to canonical mercenaries.
- Or non-canonical mercenaries.
- Or any in-universe Assassins' Guild.
- Or anyone, for that matter.
- Unless they were contracted before this rule.
1598. Not allowed to anonymously send the message "We are discovered, flee at once" to any agent just to see how they react to it.
1599. I must not introduce the Replicators from Stargate to the Marvel Avengers-verse.
- Adamantium and/or Vibranium Replicators would be a Very Bad Thing.
- In fact, no introducing the Replicators to any special metals from any continuum beyond their own.
1600. I am not allowed to let a Bolo MK XXXIII into the Mass Effect-verse.
- Or any 'verse without common laser weapons.
- Or any 'verse at all. They are PLANETARY siege units after all.
1601. I will not cause Father from Fullmetal Alchemist and Lord Voldemort to meet just to "see what happens."
- I will not give Voldemort an FMAverse Philosopher's Stone.
- Or Father a Potterverse one.
1602. I will not let Barry the Chopper (from Fullmetal Alchemist) and Dexter meet.
1603. I will not sell Smile Dip (from Gravity Falls) in Headquarters.
1604. I will not let BBC Sherlock and Watson meet any movie version of Sherlock and Watson
1605. I will not allow any blockbuster movie characters to meet cheap, knock-off versions of themselves (Iron Hero and Iron Man, for example).
1606. I will not do any of the following to get rid of paperwork:
- Feed it to a mini.
- Use it as mulch to feed the Flowers.
- Throw it into Mount Doom.
- Use it as firewood.
- Hide it in any enormous library.
1607. I will not become one of Kiel'ndia Vel'Vloz'ress's princes or princesses.
1608. Under no circumstances are Araminta Meliflua and General Zaroff to meet.
1609. I will not attempt to use a Retief-verse Jaq as a magic carpet.
1610. I will not introduce teenage James Potter to Gilda the Griffon.
1611. If I am in a music shop on the Disc and every instrument has a number, I will NOT test any of the instruments.
- Nor will I buy the guitar labeled "1."
1612. Agent Saline must never be allowed to have a proper conversation with anyone bent on taking over the world.
1613. I will not make any variation of the "I'd tap this" joke around agents or canons from the Magic: The Gathering 'verse.
- This is mostly for my own good.
1614. All of the Eleven are forbidden within HQ.
- We don't need any agents on Allswell.
1615. I will not open a portal to the Nevernever in HQ.
- If I do, I'm responsible for dealing with whatever comes through.
- And the damage.
1616. I will not set up a fight between Harry Potter and Harry Dresden to "see what would happen."
1617. I will not tell Manwë to "do the windy thing."
1618. I will not insinuate that Manwë and Varda are John and Rose from Homestuck.
- They don't even know what Homestuck is.
- I won't tell them what Homestuck is.
1619. Nienna cannot bend tears.
1620. Ulmo is not a Water-bender, nor is Manwë an Air-bender, nor is Yavanna an Earth-bender, nor is Aulë a Fire-bender.
- And Illúvatar is certainly not the Avatar.